So my sister calls me last Tuesday, crying. She was crying but happily crying. She’d just gotten engaged to this guy she met three months ago. Three months! I’m thinking she’s lost her mind. “How do you even know him?” I asked. “We did those 36 questions,” she says. “You know, the love ones from that study?” I had no clue what she meant. Turns out there’s this whole thing from the 90s where a psychologist figured out how to make strangers fall in love. Or at least get really close really fast.
The Story Behind It
This guy Arthur Aron was working at a university in 1997. He had this crazy idea that what if you could skip all the small talk and jump straight to knowing someone? So he made up 36 questions. Started with easy stuff, ended with the deep personal stuff you usually don’t share until you’ve known someone forever. He tested it on random people. Strangers. Made them sit across from each other, go through all the questions, and then stare into each other’s eyes for four straight minutes. No joke. Some of those people actually fell in love. One couple even got married. The whole thing blew up when the New York Times wrote about it in 2015.
I Had to Try It
My boyfriend Mark and I hit a weird spot last year. We’d been dating for two years, but something felt off. It felt like we were just going through the motions. So I found these questions online and printed them out. “What’s this?” he asked when I showed up with the papers. “Trust me,” I said.
Here Are the Actual Questions
I’m writing them out exactly how we did them, not in some fancy way. Just normal people talking.
First Set:
- Who would you most want to have dinner with if you could pick anyone?
- Do you want to be famous? What for?
- Do you rehearse phone calls before you make them? Why or why not?
- What’s a perfect day look like for you?
- When’s the last time you sang by yourself? To someone else?
- If you live to 90 but can keep your mind OR body at age 30 for the extra 60 years, which do you pick?
- Do you ever think about how you might die?
- What are three things we both have in common right now?
- What’s something you’re really thankful for today?
- If you could change one thing about how your parents raised you, what would it be?
- Tell me your whole life story in four minutes. Go.
- If you woke up tomorrow with a new skill or trait, what would you want it to be?
Second Set:
- If there was a crystal ball that could tell you one thing about your future, what would you ask?
- What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet?
- What are you most proud of accomplishing?
- What matters most to you in a friendship?
- What’s your favorite memory?
- What’s your worst memory?
- If you found out you had exactly one year to live, what would you change?
- What does friendship really mean to you?
- How big a part do love and caring play in your life?
- Tell me five good things about me. Right now.
- Are you close with your family? Was your childhood better than most people’s?
- How’s your relationship with your mom?
Third Set:
- Say three sentences that start with “we” about us sitting here.
- Fill in the blank: “I wish I had someone to share______ with.”
- If we’re going to be close friends, what should I know about you?
- What do you like about me? Be honest.
- Tell me about an embarrassing moment.
- When did you last cry around another person? When did you cry alone?
- What’s something you like about me that you haven’t said yet?
- What should people never joke about?
- If you died tonight, what would you regret not telling someone?
- Your house is burning. Everyone’s safe, pets too. You can save one thing. What is it?
- If someone in your family died, whose death would mess you up the most?
- Tell me about a problem you’re dealing with. How would you handle it if you were me?
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What Actually Happened
Mark laughed at first. “This is ridiculous,” he said. But we started anyway. The first few were very easy. Dinner guests, perfect days, that stuff. Then it got weird. Question 11 was about telling your life story in four minutes and that’s when things shifted. I learned stuff about his childhood I’d never heard. By question 20, we were both crying a little. Not sad crying, just… emotional. Like we were really seeing each other for the first time. Question 30 is about crying? Mark told me about the day his dad left when he was eight. Two years together and I never knew his parents were divorced. The last question was brutal. I told him about my anxiety, how I sometimes can’t sleep because I’m worried about everything. He gave me the best advice I’d ever gotten.
The Staring Contest
After all 36 questions, you’re supposed to stare at each other for four minutes. No talking. Just looking. “This is stupid,” Mark said. But we did it anyway. Four minutes feels like forever when you’re staring at someone. The first minute was awkward. The second minute, I wanted to laugh. In the third minute, something clicked. By the fourth minute, I felt like I could see right into his soul. We got engaged six months later.
Does This Actually Work?
Look, these questions aren’t magic. They won’t make you fall in love with someone you’re not compatible with. But they will show you who someone really is underneath all the surface stuff. My friend Jessica tried them on a Tinder date. The guy seemed perfect on paper, but after question 15, she realized he was completely self-absorbed. She was saved from months of dating someone who was wrong for her. My coworker Dave used them to reconnect with his wife after 20 years of marriage. Turns out they barely knew each other anymore. The questions changed everything.
Why They Work
Most of us never get past small talk; the talks center on weather, work, and and weekend plans. These 36 questions that lead to love force you past that. They make you vulnerable. And when two people are vulnerable together, something real happens. The research shows it takes about 45 minutes to get through all the questions. That’s enough time to really connect but not so long that it feels like therapy.
The Bottom Line
I’m not saying everyone should try this. It’s intense. You’ll learn things about people you might not want to know. But if you’re serious about someone or want to be; these questions will get you there fast. My sister was right. Three months is crazy fast to get engaged. But when you really know someone, you know. These 36 questions that lead to love helped her figure that out. Try them. Worst case scenario, you have an interesting conversation. Best case? Well, ask my sister.